GET OUT!
by Crunchbucket
Summary: Squall's room becomes a Group Therapy clinic. Trust me, it will all make sense. That's a Crunchbucket Guarantee! (Not a real guarantee)


Bored.  
  
That's the only word that filled Quistis Trepe's thoughts as she kicked her heels petulantly against Balamb Garden's flooring. Bored bored bored bored. Damn crappy sucky life that loathed her and hated her and vomited on her shoes at every possible occasion! She was beginning to loathe the garden with an unhealthy passion. Nothing ever, ever happe- wait!   
  
Bored was no longer the only word in Instructor Trepe's mind. Oh, no no no. Not by a long shot.  
  
Quistis's official Sesame Street word of the day was joined by 'homicidal', as her internal Drooling Moron Radar(tm) went off the scale, and she turned round to face three of her most loyal Trepies staring a particularly large hole through her clothes.  
  
"God DAMMIT!" she snapped, though she knew it would never get her message through the Trepie's adoring ittle fluff insulated cranial cavities, "Stop STALKING ME!" The Trepies, however, didn't respond, mainly because they could stare through her clothes at the front now, and the view at the front was better than the one behind. "Hello?" Quistis said, clicking her fingers to get their attention, but none of them took any notice-until one of them broke the trance and barreled forward, throwing himself at Quistis's feet.  
  
"Quistis..." He began, "...I-I must tell you how I feel, or I fear my heart may explode-"  
  
"Now wouldn't that be a shame." Quistis muttered under her breath so the Trepie wouldn't hear. That was, until she realised that she didn't give a flying FUDGE if the Trepie heard her or not, and just said it out loud. However, the Trepie was too busy spilling his guts to hear.  
  
"Quistis...in the morning...I can't eat because I'm thinking about you...a-and at lunchbreak, I can't eat for thinking about you...and in the evening...I can't eat because I'm thinking of you...and at night-"  
  
The Trepie ignored the barely concealed screamed profanity that rhymed with "hockey puck" and continued.  
  
"And at night...at night I can't sleep...because I'm HUNGRY!"  
  
Quistis couldn't kill them here, oh no. That would be noisy, and messy, and she'd get blood all over her pretty peach dress. No, she would find out their room numbers and kill them in original and ironic ways. The guy who Squall won her card from would go first-she'd slit his throat with that blasted card that he cried THREE SOLID DAYS OVER when he lost it. Then that creepy little gir-"  
  
"...Instructor Trepe?"  
  
"Quistis snapped herself out of her oh-so-joyous fantasies of death only to see the objects of her daydream staring at her with a look somewhere between concerned and horny on their faces. She decided to try the last available option. She took a deep breath and yelled-  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Squall awoke with a start at the sound of an enraged scream. Squall briefly wondered where it came from until he realised that ~he~ was Squall Leonhart, the man who didn't give a crap about anything.   
  
"...Whatever.." he muttered, clambering out of his bed and still managing to keep the cool, untouchable facade of the man who did *not* give a crap. That was, until a petite albino woman wielding a chainsaw and screaming profanities kicked down the door.  
  
"AAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE-I mean, whatever..." Squall muttered, composing himself back to being the man who did *not* give a crap. "Why are you in my room, um...person?" Stupid GFs.  
  
"SEIFER. AVENGE." Fujin (for it was She.) replied, waving the chainsaw above her head. Sure enough, a sneering Seifer Almasy stepped over the splintered door and joining his one eyed groupie.  
  
"Hello, Leonhart," He said unpleasantly.  
  
"..." Squall replied enigmatically, before muttering "get your sex slave out of my room." and flopping back onto his bed.  
  
"RAGE!" Fujin yelled in what was fast becoming the battle of who could say their catchphrase the most times in a short scene. "SLAVE NOT! SEX-"  
  
"FUJIN!" Seifer blanched with horror, "you can't tell LEONHART!"  
  
"...sorry." Fujin said quietly for once. There was a pause.  
  
"...Did you two come here for a reason or is it some kind of disciplinary custom to kick the door down when you want to see someone?" Squall muttered, which was actually a thinly disguised way of saying 'Get The Fuck Out Of My Room You Psychotically Psychotic Psycho.'  
  
"SEIFER, AVENGE!" Fujin repeated, revving the chainsaw for effect.  
  
"Yeah, that's right Leonhart. I want a word with you. Is ~this~ your doing?" Seifer growled, thrusting a crumpled piece of paper into Squall's hands.  
  
"Seifer Almasy is a big smelly dumb-dumb head." Squall read aloud, also looking at the crayoned picture of Seifer holding a flower and wearing a dress, with some goats in the background for effect.   
  
"Well? I found it wedged underneath my door this morning. Was it ~YOU?~" Seifer snarled, indicating for Fujin to bring her chainsaw wielding butt over there.  
  
"Well, judging by the way it's signed by "I'm not telling you ha that'll teach you to call me a chickenwuss no-one calls Zell Dincht a chickenwuss," my instincts say no. It could be Selphie." Squall sighed as he tossed the paper back to Seifer and lay back down. "Now fuck off."  
  
"Hey, I knew it was Tilmitt, ya know?" beamed Raijin, bounding into the room heavily enough weaken Garden's foundations (That was, if Garden wasn't drifting over the waters of Centra at that moment and didn't really have any foundations to speak of...whatever.) "Now we can go find her and beat her an' get back to bein' a posse an' then Fujy won't act so PMSy an'-"  
  
"RAGE!" Fujin yelled predictably, shooting Raijin's ankle a particularly hard kick, "TILMIT NOT! DINCHT SIGNED!" She prodded the paper violently where Zell had scrawled his accidental confession.  
  
"Oh...ya know?" Raijin whined, nursing his foot.  
  
"Let's go." Seifer said, grimly, dragging his squabbling posse over the shattered remains of the door.  
  
"...Whatever." Squall replied, closing his eyes and wishing the world would bugger off for once instead of turning up to dance around his bed and vomit on his shoes whenever he needed to rest. Unfortunately, there was no chance of any sleep this day, as Squall discovered when he was rudely awoken by a wet nose being stuck into his face.  
  
"AUGH WHAT THE FU-" Squall yelled as his eyes came to focus on the dog responsible for his current awakened state.  
  
"Tee hee...Angelo likes you!" Rinoa simpered as she skipped lightly into the room and settled on the foot of Squall's bed. "And how's my little Squally-Poo?"  
  
"..." replied Squall enigmatically, turning over on his side and away from Rinoa. Once again, the irony gods were having a good laugh at his expense. Ha frigging ha.  
  
"SQUALL! Do SOMETHING about...THEM!!!" Yelled Quistis as she marched angrily into Squall's room, clutching her Save The Queen Whip in an enraged, white knuckled grasp. She pointed an accusing finger at the three Trepies, who skipped into the room in perfect unison and dived to the floor, hugging Quistis around the legs.  
  
"Oh, Instructor Trepe! MARRY US!" they chorused.  
  
"H-hey..." Squall began, but was once again interrupted as a male SeeD ran into the rapidly filling room clutching a bunch of roses.  
  
"Rosemary!" he cried to one of the Trepies, "Please! Give me one more chance!"  
  
"No, Godfrey!" one of the female Trepies clutching at Quistis's legs replied, "My heart belongs to Instructor Trepe!" To illustrate her point she hugged Quistis's legs even more tightly, causing her to lose balance.  
  
"Rape! RAPE!!!" She screamed as the Trepies dived on top of her like hungry lemurs.  
  
"Look, would you all PLEAS-"  
  
"Rosemary my darling, please! I can make it up to you!"  
  
"No Godfrey, my beloved Instructor would not take kindly to our relationship..."  
  
"^&(* what? Get the $%^% off me you FREAK!" Quistis screeched enragedly from under the weight of three horny Trepies who were attempting to strip her.   
  
"Um...Squall? You'd better come look at your shoes...Angelo's just had an accident..."  
  
Squall yanked the pillow over his bed and begged Hyne to take him there and then.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Ready Fujin?" Seifer smirked.  
  
"AFFIRMATIVE." replied Fujin, her hand hovering over the play button.  
  
"Then let's do it."  
  
A sudden burst of irish music heralded Zell Dincht:Lord Of The Dance's arrival as he leapt from the elevator wearing a tutu and tap shoes (Fujin had pointed out that no-one in Riverdance had worn a tutu, but she changed her mind at the thought of the opportunities of pointing and laughing that Zell in tights would bring about. Making up punishments was one of the perks of being on the discilplinary comittee.)  
  
Zell continued to leap and prance about the quad as the students gaped, stared, wet themselves laughing and, in the case of the librarian pig-tailed girl, fainted from shock, cracked their heads on the floor and got carried away to the infirmary.  
  
A quick pirouette from Zell displayed the sign "Sucky sucky 5 gil" taped to his back.  
  
"~I~ did that, ya know?" Raijin beamed.  
  
"PROUD." Fujin grinned, clapping her friend maybe a little too heavily on the back.  
  
"Nice goin', Raijin. I knew you'd make us proud someday." Seifer smiled. "Now...LET'S THROW ROTTEN TOMATOES AT HIM!"  
  
"Yaaaaaaaaay! the crowd cheered as crates of moulding tomatoes were passed around to hurl at the tutu clad martial artist.  
  
"...Crap." Zell muttered succinctly as he was pelted with decaying fruit.  
  
"Ya know...do you think we've gone a bit too far this time?" Raijin said dubiously as he hurled a particularly large tomato at Zell's head.  
  
"Ow! (*^*(^!!"  
  
"Oops. Looks like that one was a rock, Raij. Anyway, you were sayin'?"  
  
"Uh, nuthin', ya know?" Raijin replied as he reloaded his arms with tomato ammo.  
  
At that moment the blonde haired Lord of the Dance took a quick look around to weigh up his chances and then made a run for the dorms.  
  
"Hey! Come back here ya &^%$!!!" Seifer yelled, giving chase.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Squall assessed the chaos that was his room from underneath his pillow. Currenltly, there was an assortment of wails, enraged screams and other more, um, interesting noises coming from the corner of the room containing Quistis and the Trepies. Angelo was attempting to join in, but was dragged off by Rinoa who kept insisting that he was a "Bad doggy woggy, yes he was." Meanwhile, Godfrey stood at an open window, screaming that he was "going to jump any minute now!" to an uncaring, unheeding room. Squall was reflecting on how this could _not_ get any more ridiculous when Zell Dincht ran into his room wearing a pink tutu, followed by an enraged disciplinary comittee including a chainsaw wielding Fujin.  
  
"To protect the Garden from infestation!" Seifer grinned, striking a pose.  
  
"NATION, GALBADIA. UNITE. RHYME SUCKS. RAGE!" Fujin yelled angrily.  
  
"Aw, Fuj, ya ruined it now!" Seifer yelled at his albino assistant.  
  
"Uh, that's right. Ya know?" Raijin said hopefully. He only had one line, and damned if he was messing THAT one up! "Hey Seif, seeing as you're James...shouldn't you be wearing a dress?"  
  
"Hmm, good idea Raij-"  
  
"RAGE!"  
  
"Um, BAD idea Raij! Mr Monkey gets to be our Meowth next time!"  
  
"Awww, ya know?"  
  
"Oh for Hyne's SAKE!" Squall moaned, hauling himself out of bed and gearing himself up for another attempt at removing the rabble clogging up his room. However-  
  
"Squall, HELP!" Zell squealed, hiding behind his leader's back. "Hide meeeeeee!!!!!"  
  
"Zell." Squall said, massaging his temples. "WHY are you wearing a pink BALLET tutu, for HYNE's sake?"  
  
"They made me!" Zell sobbed, gesturing at Seifer and his posse. "They made meeeeeeeee..."   
  
"Hand him over, Leonhart! Don't get me mad now."  
  
"AFFIRMATIVE!" Fujin yelled, revving the chainsaw to add weight to her words.  
  
"Uh yeah, ya know?" Raijin added weedily. Everyone sweatdropped in unison.  
  
"Look, if I give you Chicken-Wuss-"  
  
"WHAAAA!"  
  
"-Do you agree to get the HELL out of room and take this lot-" Squall gestured to the orgy, attempted suicide and horny dog complete with owner-"with you?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Meh." Squall shrugged. "You can have him anyway." he tossed Zell unceremoniously over to the Disciplinary Comittee and crawled back into bed.   
  
"NOOOOOOO!!!!" Zell shrieked as the DC dragged him off into a nearby corner to lynch him.  
  
It was at this point that Selphie Tilmitt and her henpecked boyfriend Irvine took her opportunity to call in on Squall for a social visit.  
  
"Oh my..." she muttered as her eyes took in the horrors of Squall's dorm. "Irvy! Shield your poor virgin eyes! They aren't ready for the horrors on display here!"  
  
"What?" Irvine said, bemused as Selphie's hand covered his eyes.  
  
"You SHUT UP! As long as you're with me you're my BITCH! Got that, BITCH?"  
  
"Yessum." Irvine whimpered, meekly. "I am your bitch."  
  
"That's better." Selphie smiled. "I'm going in to sort this mess out. You stay here, if you know what's good for you."  
  
"Yes mistress." Irvine snivelled.  
  
Selphie skipped into the dorm lightly.  
  
"Erm...*ahem* excuse me?"   
  
No one took any notice of her.   
  
"Um...booyaka? Could you all listen to me please...?"   
  
The room still took no heed of her presence. This obviously required more desperate tactics.  
  
"SHUT THE ^&*( UP YOU ^&*(^&*(ING &*()&*)(&ERS BEFORE I ^&*(&*)(ING ^(*&) YOU ALL IN THE ^&*(*)(ING ()&*()!!!! WITH A SPORK!!!!!!!"  
  
That seemed to get their attention. A stunned silence descended on the small room, except for the quiet sobbing of Zell from the corner.  
  
"That's MUCH better!" Selphie said with a cheerfulness that barely masked the seething pit of hatred and malice bubbling underneath. "Now, I think we should ALL sit DOWN and DISCUSS this matter, whatever it it, like ADULTS. Is that OKAY?" She snarled ever-so-politely through gritted teeth.  
  
"Yes Ms. Tilmitt..." everyone chorussed meekly.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"It's just that...y'know, ever since I was a kid...I wanted to be someone. I wanted to be noticed." Seifer sighed, gazing out of the window into the star-studded night sky. "That's why I always bullied the other kids. I wanted to be SOMEONE! Someone to fear, someone to respect! I wanted power...but now I see what it's done to me. I'm just a shell, crushed by the weight of my own dreams." He sighed, staring at the light of the candle they were all sitting around. "Squall...I...I'm sorry....I'm sorry for everything I put you through. Past and present."  
  
"...Whatever."  
  
"BROTHER!" Seifer sobbed, throwing his arms around Squall's neck.  
  
"Awww, how come Squall gets hugged by Mr. Bishounen and I don't?" Zell pouted. Then he noiced everyone looking at him strangely. "Don't stare at meeee...." he sobbed.  
  
"Selphieeee..." Irvine whined from outside, "can I come in yet? It's been three hours..."  
  
"Do you understand english, BITCH?! I'm TRYING to SORT OUT people's childhood PROBLEMS here! Do you WANT me to get the WHIP?"  
  
"No ma'am." Irvine whimpered. "I'll be good."  
  
"Now that everyone's cured," Squall sighed, "is there any chance of you all getting the HELL out of my room?"  
  
"Does that mean I should take down the "Group Therapy-2000 gil" sign down from the door? "Irvine offered from outside.  
  
"RAGE!" Selphie screeched, earning an evil look from Fujin. "You're getting a sore ass for that one, bitch!"  
  
"Eep." Irvine sqealed.  
  
"Look, could you all please-"  
  
"Selphie, there's a queue out here...what do I dooooo?"  
  
"Send them IN, bitch!" Selphie yelled.  
  
"Okay." Irvine said timidly. "Right this way please..."  
  
This prompted a stampede of pupils, garden staff and moombas to cascade through the door, squealing their problems as loudly as they could.  
  
"Selphie, help! Nida won't stop hitting on me!" Xu whined in Selphie's general direction. "He's becoming obsessed!"  
  
Nida quickly stuffed his private Xu shrine into his pocket and whipped the laptop containing his Xu worshipping page behind his back. "Is NOT! And anyway, I'm the one with the problem! Zell keeps hitting on ME!"  
  
"WHAT!?!?" Zell shrieked, jamming his Nida Action Doll (tm) and the holy water he was bathing it with in his pocket. "That's a LIE!"  
  
"Fshurushurushurushuru!" NORG added.   
  
"Wha...LIAR!" Headmaster Cid blushed, hiding his copy of 'Hot Shumi Monthly' where he had stuck NORG's face onto the centerfold pictures into his pocket.  
  
"EeeeEEEeep!" A nearby moomba added for no real reason.  
  
Squall said nothing. He simply walked to the nearest wall and beat his head against it until he fell unconcious.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~ 


End file.
